July 13th, 2005
Weird Days!
I woke up this morning to see a missed call on my phone. Now a missed call in the morning would not have been a super big suprise, especially if it had come from Garrett (who has still yet to figure out the time zones), Bone (He always has great stories to share late at night), or any number of random friends (The ones from Orlando happen to be the drunk dialing kind). However, the missed phone call was from my Mom which is cause for concern. I called back to find out that my aunt Cheryl had died earlier in the morning in a car accident on 595. Now, my aunt Cheryl and I were not at all close. She was an aunt through marriage, and save the fact that I like her husband and enjoyed playing with her kids, we did not have much in common. The last time I saw her was at my sisters wedding and even then it was Megan, Lindsey, and Erin who spent the most time with her. Either way, I am sad for the family and have been praying for her children, Mikey and Britney, and her husband, Mike, throughout the day. If you get the chance while you are reading this, please do me a favor and stop to do the same.
So yeah it has been a weird day. The thing about it that really disturbs me is this. I don't feel much of anything. I am sad, because I recognize the reality of it and realize that sadness is the appropriate response to it. However, I don't really feel it. As I thought about it this morning, I was sure that it just hadn't hit me yet. Now, I am wondering what is the deal.
On Sept. 11, 2001, I was awoken at roughly 8:20am by my roommate Brian. I had class at 10am and therefor was not planning on waking up until 9:45. So when Brian came to wake me so early I was a bit out of it. "Dude, a plane just the world trade center." My response was, "Oh, that sucks" and I went back to sleep. Five minutes later, Brian came back in. "Dude, get up. Another plane just hit the world trade center." My response this time was "huh? Wait two planes accidentally hit the same building?" I then proceeded to get up and spend the rest of the day in front of the television like everyone else in the country. The strange thing about it, and Brian and I have sense had many conversations concerning the issue, is that neither of us felt anything. We knew what we were seeing was tragic and sad, but neither of us could find the emotion honestly. We both talked about how it was like watching the starving African kids on TV. It was aweful, and yet somehow we felt so disconnected from it.
That feeling came back to me today, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to feel more of something, anything about it all. I want more compassion, more anger, more sorrow, more of anything. Yet, I am left with this strange feeling of "Oh, that happened." It concerns me. I mean, as a follower of Christ, I am not supposed to feel disconnnected, right? I should feel more of something. God should be impressing on me things to be done, ways that I might be able to do something that would somehow provide a level of solace, right?
I dated a girl when I was in college who I later found out had a really big struggle with self-mutilation, or cutting. We talked about it a few times. The thing that really suprised me was that the desire to do it did not come from a place of self-hatred, but rather out of numbness. It was as if she would hurt herself in order to make sure that she could feel something, anything at all, even if it was pain. I never understood that. I still don't.
I think the conclusion that I am coming to is this. As a guy, most strong emotions lead me to want to do something. A feeling like I should or could be able to do something to make it better. I could "fix it," or try to anyway. However, it is in these times that God wants nothing more than for me to realize that "I've got nothing." I can't do anything to make it better. I can't change it. God just wants me to come to him and find my comfort and my peace in him. It is when I let myself do this that I finally begin to feel something. I feel thankful, comforted, and called to prayer. Lord, be with my family. Comfort them. Draw them close to you.
Love,
Rob
Weird Days!
I woke up this morning to see a missed call on my phone. Now a missed call in the morning would not have been a super big suprise, especially if it had come from Garrett (who has still yet to figure out the time zones), Bone (He always has great stories to share late at night), or any number of random friends (The ones from Orlando happen to be the drunk dialing kind). However, the missed phone call was from my Mom which is cause for concern. I called back to find out that my aunt Cheryl had died earlier in the morning in a car accident on 595. Now, my aunt Cheryl and I were not at all close. She was an aunt through marriage, and save the fact that I like her husband and enjoyed playing with her kids, we did not have much in common. The last time I saw her was at my sisters wedding and even then it was Megan, Lindsey, and Erin who spent the most time with her. Either way, I am sad for the family and have been praying for her children, Mikey and Britney, and her husband, Mike, throughout the day. If you get the chance while you are reading this, please do me a favor and stop to do the same.
So yeah it has been a weird day. The thing about it that really disturbs me is this. I don't feel much of anything. I am sad, because I recognize the reality of it and realize that sadness is the appropriate response to it. However, I don't really feel it. As I thought about it this morning, I was sure that it just hadn't hit me yet. Now, I am wondering what is the deal.
On Sept. 11, 2001, I was awoken at roughly 8:20am by my roommate Brian. I had class at 10am and therefor was not planning on waking up until 9:45. So when Brian came to wake me so early I was a bit out of it. "Dude, a plane just the world trade center." My response was, "Oh, that sucks" and I went back to sleep. Five minutes later, Brian came back in. "Dude, get up. Another plane just hit the world trade center." My response this time was "huh? Wait two planes accidentally hit the same building?" I then proceeded to get up and spend the rest of the day in front of the television like everyone else in the country. The strange thing about it, and Brian and I have sense had many conversations concerning the issue, is that neither of us felt anything. We knew what we were seeing was tragic and sad, but neither of us could find the emotion honestly. We both talked about how it was like watching the starving African kids on TV. It was aweful, and yet somehow we felt so disconnected from it.
That feeling came back to me today, and I don't know what to do about it. I want to feel more of something, anything about it all. I want more compassion, more anger, more sorrow, more of anything. Yet, I am left with this strange feeling of "Oh, that happened." It concerns me. I mean, as a follower of Christ, I am not supposed to feel disconnnected, right? I should feel more of something. God should be impressing on me things to be done, ways that I might be able to do something that would somehow provide a level of solace, right?
I dated a girl when I was in college who I later found out had a really big struggle with self-mutilation, or cutting. We talked about it a few times. The thing that really suprised me was that the desire to do it did not come from a place of self-hatred, but rather out of numbness. It was as if she would hurt herself in order to make sure that she could feel something, anything at all, even if it was pain. I never understood that. I still don't.
I think the conclusion that I am coming to is this. As a guy, most strong emotions lead me to want to do something. A feeling like I should or could be able to do something to make it better. I could "fix it," or try to anyway. However, it is in these times that God wants nothing more than for me to realize that "I've got nothing." I can't do anything to make it better. I can't change it. God just wants me to come to him and find my comfort and my peace in him. It is when I let myself do this that I finally begin to feel something. I feel thankful, comforted, and called to prayer. Lord, be with my family. Comfort them. Draw them close to you.
Love,
Rob
posted by Rob @ 5:15 PM
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